Your child has a "friend"

mercy · Postby **mercy** » February 17th, 2003, 7:03 am

I am interested in hearing your opinions on this one. What should a parent do when a young child comes home and announces he/she has a boy/girlfriend?

Gerald Creasy · Postby **Gerald Creasy** » February 17th, 2003, 7:11 am

How old is this child?

Why would you want to prohibit such?

I can remember being in 2nd grade and wondering why I didn't have a girl friend and desiring one even though I did not have a clue about boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

And, after 6 years of marriage, I'm beginning to wonder if I still do not have a clue.

mercy · Postby **mercy** » February 17th, 2003, 7:15 am

eight years old is what the question stated. I have also been married six years (almost 7) and still don't have a clue half the time :twisted:

The Martins · Postby **The Martins** » February 17th, 2003, 7:21 am

My 6 year old daughter has had as many as 5 "boyfriends" at one time, one of which is 15 years old! :shock:

She doesn't know what she's saying and I don't think it's harmful at all. It's all in fun for her (and her mom and I as well :lol:

)

Now, if I caught her kissing or something like that, then I'd choose "lock her in her room until she's 30". :evil:

Just my opinion...

Tracy · Postby **Tracy** » February 17th, 2003, 8:14 am

I think I would ask the child what he means by 'girlfriend' (or boyfriend). Finding out what meaning the child is attatching to the word would prevent assumptions on the part of the parent; the child's understanding of girlfriend/boyfriend might give you a starting place for discussion.

Tracy

Crystal · Postby **Crystal** » February 17th, 2003, 8:17 am

My oldest two are girls ages 10 and 8. I have taken a very light hearted approach to the boyfreind issue. I think little crushes are normal for this age but would be alarmed if they showed more serious signs at this age. I know the kids in their classes so it is easy for me to ask. In my conversations I will sometime say something like, "Jordan is a nice friend isn't he." By that I can get a true reaction of how they really feel.
I have, however, been very fortunate to have sisters with sons that my girls are close to, so boys aren't really a mystery to them.

Methusala · Postby **Methusala** » February 17th, 2003, 8:21 am

My Grandchildren (in school) are
Boy - 12
Boy - 11
Girl - 09
Boy - 07

All of them at different times have had a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". My 7 year old tells me there are 16 girls in his room and all of them except for two are his girlfriends. :lol:

If things were to sound serious - we would talk to them, but as it is - things usually blow over pretty quickly.

My 11 year old took a box of candy to the girl of his choice, who had been quite smitten with him this year. upon getting the candy, she turned it over to a friend and said "What a jerk".

(we were gearing up to talk to him - but no need now)

Now on to the 12 year old. Mom and Dad have spoken to him. Right now he is not really thinking that much about girl friends - way to intent on school and grades - but the time is coming.

I think the trick is to make sure your children (at any age) know they can come and talk to you about anything.

I am so thankful that my grandchildren have parents that are totally involved in their children's lives, so far - so good :wink:

Ilovebigcats · Postby **Ilovebigcats** » February 17th, 2003, 10:21 am

I voted....
1. blow it off as simple innocence
........because it said "YOUR" - as in my 8 year old. I have an 8 year old and if she told me that she had a boyfriend I would blow it off.

BUT my child is very sheltered. She is homeschooled, doesn't watch much TV, only listens to christian music, and only has friends from church.

IF she was in public school it would be quite different. She isn't old enough for me to trust her judgement. 19 years ago when I was 8 and in 3rd grade is when I started realizing the difference in the sexes. I started hearing sexual things in 5th grade. I was very sheltered growing up also. I got my "learning" from my peers in school. I personally know a 6 year old boy that his father thinks it's cute to sit and watch porn with him. It makes me sick to my stomach to think what kind of child he is creating. This child cusses and discusses, with his cousins and friends, (he is still allowed to hang out with), what he sees and wants to do in graphic language. My point is... he goes to 1st grade and exposes the other children to this. Whether you trust your child or not isn't the issue. It's the other child. If you know them really well, then no biggie. If not then in my opinion NO WAY! It isn't worth the risk.

The Martins · Postby **The Martins** » February 17th, 2003, 11:33 am

I guess sometimes we live "in a bottle" and think that all kids are raised like ours. I'll be more careful in the future thanks to your post.

Kenya · Postby **Kenya** » February 17th, 2003, 12:07 pm

Our kids know they are not allowed to date until they are 16. We also recommended no boyfriend/girlfriend relationships until they got to middle school. My 13 year old has just now began having "boyfriends". They are pretty much a different boy in the youth group every week. They don't even sit together - just talk on instant messenger a lot. Our computer is in a room with no doors in the major traffic of the house so it is well monitered. The younger two (just now in middle school) have not shown much interest in the opposite sex and we are not complaining. I think kids grow up WAY too quickly these days.

mercy · Postby **mercy** » February 18th, 2003, 5:56 am

Thank you all so much. And Kenya I agree, kids do grow up too fast. What I am hearing from most of you is that it really is an individual case by case sort of thing.

A very good friend of mine is experiencing this same situation with her child. It is always good to get different perspectives on such things.

Sharon · Postby **Sharon** » February 18th, 2003, 9:01 am

At 8 years old I am not sure they understand the concept of boyfriend or girlfriend. I remember my daughter saying in middle school that she was going with a boy and my husband would ask,"where ya going".

I think I would ask them what it means to them. I am sure it is innocent and lets be honest 8 yrs old their will be a new bf/gf.

I would never say blow anything off regarding your child. just don't overreact.

Pastor Bill · Postby **Pastor Bill** » February 20th, 2003, 9:47 am

My son is 4 and we are already dealing with this some :roll:

From what I have seen, and my wife (as a teacher) really it's normal. I wouldn't forbid it, because that just will make them hide it from you later. At that age you shouldn't have to worry about any actions, but we all know we live in a world that a lot of shouldn'ts still happen. I don't think that pressure should be put on innocent children (let them stay innocent as long as possible) but should be dealt with in our supervision. If you are worried about actions taking place while you child is at school, talk to their teacher about it. When they are not at school I assume you (or someone you trust) is supervising their activities, so it still shouldn't be a problem.

Besides, if they grow up learning slowly about relationships, and feel free to discuss their relationships with you, when they get older and hormones kick in it will be easier.

Personally I don't like setting ages as limits, because every situation is different, and should be dealt with as such. My first "date" was a time my "girlfriend" invited me to go with her and the 5th grade band rollerskating. Her friend was a good friend of my Mom's and would be one of the chaperones, so it really wasn't a big deal, at that same age, other situations probably wouldn't have been allowed, but my parents just dealt with the situations that came up, and I never felt there was any age that things magically turned from prohibited to approved, and due to this, I still asked permission about dates and things all the way through High School. I guess that way I always assumed that dating or going somewhere with friends was something that I was allowed to do with permission, and never expected it as my right at any age.

Kenya · Postby **Kenya** » February 20th, 2003, 10:29 am

Pastor Bill wrote:Personally I don't like setting ages as limits, because every situation is different, and should be dealt with as such. My first "date" was a time my "girlfriend" invited me to go with her and the 5th grade band rollerskating. Her friend was a good friend of my Mom's and would be one of the chaperones, so it really wasn't a big deal, at that same age, other situations probably wouldn't have been allowed, but my parents just dealt with the situations that came up, and I never felt there was any age that things magically turned from prohibited to approved, and due to this, I still asked permission about dates and things all the way through High School. I guess that way I always assumed that dating or going somewhere with friends was something that I was allowed to do with permission, and never expected it as my right at any age.

Let me clarify. Our kids can date (as in just them and another person) at sixteen - provided they are mature enough to handle it. I understand that kids are different at different ages. And group dating is different. But we don't want them on a "two-person only" date until they are at least 16. It's one of those rules that was passed down from my parents - and that Joey and I have agreed is a good idea. Another thing we have agreed on and already enforce is that no boys are allowed in the girls bedrooms (and vice versa) and no doors shut anywhere in the house if boys and girls are in the same room. These rules were decided upon and explained to the kids several years ago and because they are understood to be non-negotiable, they are not a source of problem.

Pastor Bill · Postby **Pastor Bill** » February 20th, 2003, 11:25 am

I understand Kenya, I just know the approach my parents used was a little different, they never set an age, but instead it was an individual judgement call on each situation. I did go on a couple of one-on-one dates before age 16, but even after 16 there were times that I was told no, it wasn't a matter of my age, but whether my parents felt comfortable with that particular situation. I am not saying there is anything wrong with setting an age, but I know of some parents that have said no reguardless of situation before a certain age, and that seems unfair at times. Also some after that age then expect dating as a right since they are old enough rather than still being only with parental consent.

Jude 2