My Testimony

[Susie Hamilton]

I am the poster formerly known as rahab. I asked PG to change my name due to the fact that rahab is my past, not my present or future. I posted a video of my testimony at my local church service. For those who do not have time to view the video I wanted to post a readers digest of it. I will have to omit a lot of details by sticking to the main points. I would also like to say what a wonderful friend and man of God TW was. He and I had a lot of talks over the years and I miss my friend.

When I was 8 years old I was sexually abused and threatened if I told anyone I and my family would suffer harm. I kept quiet and hid my shame and fear. My dad was a COGOP pastor. When I was about 20 I got saved and became the VLB leader. During one of those services the man who had abused me walked in, sat in the front pew and stayed for the service. We did not speak to each other. This brought up a lot of old feelings which I did not deal with and ended up backsliding. In 1978 my dad was murdered by a neighbor over a property dispute a judge had ruled in favor of my dad. Not long after that I ended up in a relationship with a woman. In that lifestyle I received affection and acceptance like I had not known before. Following the end of that relationship I briefly returned to God but had untrue accusations made towards me by a church member. After a few months I was cleared of that but the damage had been done. I left and joined the navy where I continued in the gay lifestyle. Two years later I was diagnosed with cancer. It was in the early stages so surgery was done to remove it resulting in a hysterectomy as well. The woman I had been dating assured me she would be there for support for me but after the surgery she changed her mind. The hormonal effects from the surgery and yet another rejection ended up with me diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD, alcoholism, admission to a psych ward and discharge from the navy. After becoming a civilian again I stayed in the gay lifestyle and another failed relationship ended up with a suicide attempt and another psych ward admission.

I felt a need to return to God again but backslid again after a few years and ended up in yet another relationship with a woman. That only lasted a few years until I felt I really needed to turn my life completely over to God and returned to church. In 2010 I ended up having a stint inserted in my heart for a 95% blockage in the main artery that is referred to as the widow maker. I should have been dead.

God has been doing a great work in my life since that time. He showed me not only did I have a physical heart problem but a spiritual heart problem as well. My life had become clogged and filled with damaging emotions and brokenness from my past. In order for my soul to grow in relationship with God it needed to be cleaned out. God showed me I had to forgive the man who murdered my father and I have finally been able to do that. I also had to forgive the man who sexually abused me. God showed me he had been a victim of abuse in his own life and was acting out of his brokenness. God also showed me how I had bought into the lie that I had been born gay. It was a choice made due to the brokenness of my damaged emotions and brokenness. I have spent much time in prayer allowing God to heal and remove all the past brokenness from my soul. There is still more healing to do but the ground work has been laid.

I often remember "church" people I have known in the past who had their own secret sins which they were afraid to share with anyone due to being the subject of gossip. I also saw other church people in the gay bars.

I have submitted the paperwork for a lay minister's license. I will be starting to speak at churches and other places soon with my testimony. I ask for your prayers as I walk the journey and calling God has placed on my life.

[Martha]

Susie, you probably will not remember me but we met at a Jude2 luncheon a few years ago in Nashville. Thank you for your testimony. Most of the gay people I know have a similar background. They were sexually molested as a child, abused mentally, abandoned by parents, very little relationship with parents, and so on. I just want to encourage you as you continue in your walk with God. Forgiveness seems to be a way of life for me. I had something happen just yesterday that opened an old wound and now I'm dealing with it. At first I just became angry but after prayer I realized that it was just God's way of opening it so he could clean it out and heal it. Don't ya just love the way God brings healing to our hurts. For me it's just one thing at a time. I couldn't handle it if it was all at once. Our Father loves us SO much!

I ask God's blessings on your ministry as you continue walking with Him.

Martha

[Poimen]

Wonderful! Beautiful! Glorious! Grace!