Needed Advice

[boguesound]

I need advice: I am a pastor in COGOP who had his wife leave him for another man from our local church. My wife and I had been married 25 years and have 3 kids; the man was a teacher in the church, was married for 16 years, and also has 3 kids. Both were well liked and respected and their actions shocked everyone who knew them. Naturally this situation devastated the church and families, especially when they moved in together while filing for divorces and began an all out assault on their former spouses to justify themselves. Both claimed that God was a forgiving God and justified their new life through grace. The church rallied around me and ask me to continue as pastor. I have been very careful what I said openly for the sake of our children; refusing to criticize and condemn, but also careful not to condone their actions.
They immediately began attending a COG located less than a mile from our location and have been working in SS and Children's ministries. Now that the divorces are final, they are planning a wedding and the pastor of this church is officiating. Were I not personally involved, I feel it would be my duty to at least talk with this pastor about their actions and his part in validating their belief that it was ok for them to to take this course because they were in love.
Should I just give this to God? Do I have a responsibility in this case even though I am personally involved and would be accused of seeking revenge to address this?

[Shellie]

You ask a tough question and I am not sure of the answer. However, answering from the cuff, I would say that the only way I would go forward and speak to the pastor is if I got a distinct release from the Lord to do so.

[Poimen]

Maybe you could have your church, or elders, send a letter? or your regional or district office?

Based on what you have said here, it doesn't sound like they have repented of their actions, and that they are presently living in sin while serving in that local church. I now the COG does not condone such practices either, and I would think the pastor of that local church (or his leadership) should be apprised of the situation for both the benefit of the offenders and the local churches involved.

[boguesound]

Thanks, I know the situation is difficult and of all the problems I ever dreamed I'd have in pastoring, this was not one of them. I really thought this would generate a lot of response and I'd really appreciate good advice.
Maybe just a little more clarification. As close to repentance that I have heard from them is that they are both sorry they hurt their spouses as they did, saying it was not intentional. My ex wife did say, she felt she'd made some bad decisions but that it was too late and things can't be changed, but God forgives. To me, that's just an excuse to do what you want and claim grace as a covering to empower your choices. I have forgiven and offered every possible scenario for restoration from moving or resigning (to save her embarrassment) or to setting her up in a home with our children to give her time to figure out what she really wants and what God says. Things could have changed, but not the way they wanted. I have chosen to live in this community so I can have my kids half of every week. In our small community we are well known and I feel as though there is an elephant following me around that community & church people politely don't want to mention. I do not want to do anything to draw more attention to this drama, but can't help being troubled by the confusion being created in the eyes of those sitting back watching this unfold.

[one love]

Brother I just want to say that I am sorry that this has happened. It really took my breath away as I read this. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family.

I think poimen is correct here. Forgive me for not having more immediate answers, I believe I will pray for wisdom as well.


God Bless you and know that people are praying!

[pastorables]

I have thought about this for a couple of days.

First of all, any answer I give is based solely upon what you have shared. I will not presume to understand the depth of such a complex situation.

The Bible tells us that a "soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir it up". Furthermore, it tells us to "do nothing to allow our good to be evil spoken of" --- as in "cast not your pearls before swine".

My point being that if there is ever to be healing, resolution, and ultimate reconciliation for this situation you will need to build as few walls as possible --- even when wrong seems to be prospering. Regarding this, scripture says "when one is offended, they are harder to win back than a walled city".

I have seen marriages restored after many years of being apart and both spouses remarried, etc. If that's ever to happen, my humble advice would be to steer as clear as possible from the situation and leave it in God's hands. Do your fighting in your prayer closet and that's not meant to be a "pat" answer. I truly believe the Lord works in the midst of our troubles.

I love you my friend and I'm sincerely sorry that the thief has attacked your home with such vengeance. Never forget that the Lord sees, he knows, and he delivers.

Prayerfully,
pa

[dolfan]

First, ditto on what these brothers have said --- this is extremely difficult for you and my heart goes out to you. I had my 25th wedding anniversary only 4 months ago. I thank God for my wife and daughter, and seeing marriages that have got some years on them get so troubled so quickly is enough to keep me on my knees and examining myself as a husband. I married a "catch", as they say; my wife married a man "with a catch" (as in, "Okay, you married him, but here's the catch.") -- or a lot of them. Our little girl is a gift from God. So, your story humbles me.

I'm also a lawyer. So, what I hear from you is a sense of righteousness, but it is fraught with practical consequences that can make a decision to take action seem foolish in retrospect. This could have child custody and visitation consequences. It could lay down a base of personal interaction with you and her such that, in the future, this quite innocent and biblical concern could be manipulated into one piece of a larger puzzle that paints you as monstrous, out of control, hell-bent for leather and vengeful.

Pastor Ables, I think, offers you the best practical and pastoral advice you can take right now. Even if there is no real expectation of reconciliation and healing, I urge you to seek God's face to stay clear of any root of bitterness. Bitterness can look "right" and can be the subtle but powerful motivator of a "righteous cause". I've seen it, my friend. And, it never helps those who are the most helpless in this -- your kids. Show them what your Father in Heaven does when He is wronged by His family. I pray that God will supply you with the grace in your own heart toward all of the guilty persons, the love of Christ in your heart to trust Him to right all wrongs in the due course of time, and for the joy of the Lord to increasingly strengthen you.

[Pastor Bill]

Brother, I am so sorry you have gone through this.

I have read and prayed, but many more wise than I have spoken, and they have given good advice.

All I would add is that you take this time for God and you. Let Him minister to you and give you peace. Your relationship with your wife, your children, all these will go on in one form or another, but if you focus on letting God shape you, then He can shape those relationships with more skill than any advice we can give.

I know you are concerned about the implications of their leadership at the new church they are attending. Honestly I doubt the new church is completely oblivious to the situation, and if the pastor is seeking God, God can take care of that too. HE may send someone to speak with the pastor, HE may give wisdom and insight, HE will take care of that, but most importantly HE will take care of you. Let your relationship with Him be your focus, I know you are hurting, and He knows and will wrap His arms around you and give you peace.

[boguesound]

Thanks to everyone for the sound advice. I had pretty much decided to let God handle this His way. For me to say more would only default back on me.
Nothing has been harder to accomplish in my life than to release the bitterness that has tried to take root in my heart. It still remains a daily task to confess forgiveness and then act out that forgiveness. Do I still hurt? ABSOLUTELY! I still love my wife with all my heart, and seek her healing. Deception is a terrible thing and I pray for her eyes to be open.
The support I have received from my church, friends, and her family has been awesome. God has strengthened me every time the enemy has tried to deal a death blow and I love God more than ever. My children have been my mainstay in their love and support, though they do not understand. I have seen them battle with hurt, rebellion, anger, denial, and indifference, but God has also allowed them to grow spiritually in this time.

If I have one piece of advice to offer my fellow pastors after this, it would be to pay close attention to the emotional well being of your wives. They may be more fragile than you think, and though it may appear to you and to everyone in your church that you are the ideal family, don't think this could never happen to you.

If you don't have anything else to pray for, remember us.
Thanks again,

[oletimer]

Pastor Ables, There is a lot of wisdom in your post. Much has been said, but the real answer lies in our prayer with God.

boguesound; I bleed for you and your family. Don't give up for God will direct you right if you continual with Him. There are a couple of verse that I lean on a lot for comfort with tough situation.

Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Ro 12:21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

I want try to say that I fully understand how you are feeling and how much you are hurting, but I have been in some tough situation, some bother me for years until I was able to follow these verses, sometime happen, the weight of them was lifted and I was able to carry on with out that weight anymore.

I would say from experience, never close any doors as there may come a day in which you may want to open one again. Remember the common bond that both of you still have and that is your children. Follow your own advice there. May God always be with you and direct you in His will.